January 2008 Archives
Had a conversation with Jessica last night. Despite not knowing her for very long, it was quite nice being able to talk to each other openly. Perhaps its the simple fact that we do not know each other very well, there is this sense of safety that whatever you are saying probably doesn't really make much sense to the other party anyway. Moreover, there's no conflict of interest and she probably does not even know most of the names being mentioned.
Anyway, the conversation inevitably led to the problems I've been having recently and she asked if I've gotten "over it". At the spur of the moment, I gave this reply: "Ya, I've 放手 already, but not yet 放下". The phrase lingered in my mind for the remainder of the night. Decided to give it a quick google and I found this article which breaks it down pretty well. So I will share it here:
Anyway, the conversation inevitably led to the problems I've been having recently and she asked if I've gotten "over it". At the spur of the moment, I gave this reply: "Ya, I've 放手 already, but not yet 放下". The phrase lingered in my mind for the remainder of the night. Decided to give it a quick google and I found this article which breaks it down pretty well. So I will share it here:
放手与放下
以前我总以为,
放手曾经坚持的追求会很难,
现在才知道,
原来,
真正难的是放开.
放手是不再执者,
是停止追求,
因为你知道你的坚持不会得到你想要的结果.
那么,
只要你经常对自己说:
我已经放弃不要再坚持.
久之,
你就会说服自己对以往的执着放手.
可是,
心却被习惯束缚着,
习惯的认为那个还是你的目标,
习惯等待结果的心态,
也习惯追求不到的失落.
于是依然的,
会在心里介意着一些不应该介意的东西,
要彻底的放开比被说服的放手,
总是要滞后许久的,
正如认识错误比改正习惯容易.
http://blog.readnovel.com/article/htm/tid_603767.html
Haven't had this feeling for a really long time. In fact, now that I try to recall, I do not really remember when was the last time I had this feeling. At various stages of my life, I have always set some kind of targets, goals or aims. Working towards what I want to achieve has made my life much easier to bear and time seems to fly.
When I was schooling, be it Primary, Secondary, Tertiary or as an undergraduate, I worked towards trying to finish my education. Getting from one level to the next. I do not really feel the need to excel, just satisfied being able to progress to the next level and to a reasonably good class. Involved myself in Track and Field and I was really obsessed with becoming the fastest sprinter in my school. Trained for hours each day. Trying to make it to the top few sprinters in Singapore in the age category.
Then it was time for National Service. Everyone tells me to just "keng" through it. I guess its the "gungho" nature of me that made me try to see if I could get into OCS. However, it backfired on me and I injured my spine during BMT. Really deflated my morale and self esteem. However, I was really lucky to have met a great S3 (Operations Officer) MAJ Ho Kian Soon. He gave me the opportunity to regain my self confidence and gave me many opportunities to do thing which most Full-Time National Servicemen wouldn't have the chance to come into contact with. I was really happy even though it was very very tiring, but I had a lot of activities to keep myself occupied and time really flew.
After graduation, I started working. Had some hiccups here and there, but in general, I was able to proof my worth in most of the places I worked at. Even now, I'm considered one of the fastest corporate ladder climber amount my peers. Striving to become financially self sufficient drove me to work and work like there's no tomorrow.
Suddenly, I've lost my direction. I cannot see or find a goal for myself that I can envisage myself working towards to. I realise that I'm just living my life day to day. Not sure of what I'm actually doing. I've got to get my life back together. Hopefully for the better. Got to find out what the hell is wrong with me!
When I was schooling, be it Primary, Secondary, Tertiary or as an undergraduate, I worked towards trying to finish my education. Getting from one level to the next. I do not really feel the need to excel, just satisfied being able to progress to the next level and to a reasonably good class. Involved myself in Track and Field and I was really obsessed with becoming the fastest sprinter in my school. Trained for hours each day. Trying to make it to the top few sprinters in Singapore in the age category.
Then it was time for National Service. Everyone tells me to just "keng" through it. I guess its the "gungho" nature of me that made me try to see if I could get into OCS. However, it backfired on me and I injured my spine during BMT. Really deflated my morale and self esteem. However, I was really lucky to have met a great S3 (Operations Officer) MAJ Ho Kian Soon. He gave me the opportunity to regain my self confidence and gave me many opportunities to do thing which most Full-Time National Servicemen wouldn't have the chance to come into contact with. I was really happy even though it was very very tiring, but I had a lot of activities to keep myself occupied and time really flew.
After graduation, I started working. Had some hiccups here and there, but in general, I was able to proof my worth in most of the places I worked at. Even now, I'm considered one of the fastest corporate ladder climber amount my peers. Striving to become financially self sufficient drove me to work and work like there's no tomorrow.
Suddenly, I've lost my direction. I cannot see or find a goal for myself that I can envisage myself working towards to. I realise that I'm just living my life day to day. Not sure of what I'm actually doing. I've got to get my life back together. Hopefully for the better. Got to find out what the hell is wrong with me!
For some damn reason, I cannot access my SingNET email. However, saw an email subject downloaded to my mobile phone and I was rather surprised that its something I should probably learn. The email was sent as part of my subscription to St James Power Station for their event updates and this is what I saw:
"A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness"
I did not get to see the rest of the email yet so I have no idea what is referencing to. However, the subject of the email alone is quite an attention grabber.
"A retentive memory may be a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness"
I did not get to see the rest of the email yet so I have no idea what is referencing to. However, the subject of the email alone is quite an attention grabber.
There are many decisions that we must make in life. Despite how painful it will be, there are some things that we must decide. Else, in the end, you end up just hurting yourself. I've already borne emotional scars for the past twelve years, adding fresh ones will not matter anymore. Time heals all wounds? I wonder who came up with this stupid saying. There are some wounds that one simply does not recover from. Some scars are too deep to be erased by time. They serve as reminders to my foolishness and naiveness, never to involve my heart ever again. Why did I even devote so much of my emotions when I know from the beginning that it will never be reciprocated. It was nothing more then a fool's dream.
Now I just have to find some way to stop this trembling. To stop making myself look like a fool who can't stop himself from crying every time the name is mentioned. Hopefully I can get to go away, leave this place and country and find myself a place where I will not be reminded of this hurt.
Things have finally come to a conclusion, all there is to be said has been spoken. Tears that is to be shed has fallen. I've nothing left to give, an empty shell that is incapable of loving anymore. I will bear this scar to serve as a reminder never to trust in anyone again. Behind all the facade of friendship, there's alway a knife waiting to cut you down. Waiting for you to fall down and step over you. No matter how good a friend one may seem, you can never tell what they are doing behind you. Never again will I be foolish enough to trust in friendship nor love. In the end, there is no one but myself. Destined to be alone.
Now I just have to find some way to stop this trembling. To stop making myself look like a fool who can't stop himself from crying every time the name is mentioned. Hopefully I can get to go away, leave this place and country and find myself a place where I will not be reminded of this hurt.
Things have finally come to a conclusion, all there is to be said has been spoken. Tears that is to be shed has fallen. I've nothing left to give, an empty shell that is incapable of loving anymore. I will bear this scar to serve as a reminder never to trust in anyone again. Behind all the facade of friendship, there's alway a knife waiting to cut you down. Waiting for you to fall down and step over you. No matter how good a friend one may seem, you can never tell what they are doing behind you. Never again will I be foolish enough to trust in friendship nor love. In the end, there is no one but myself. Destined to be alone.
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry, like the angel, heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woah ooooah
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
(But that's nothing new)
Yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blue
And you say
Sorry, like the angel, heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
Woah ooooah
It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, a yeah
I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground...
