Neither here nor there ...
Was away for a while. Was sent to Bangkok, Thailand for a workshop for a week. It was the worst week for a long long time since I can remember. My head is in a mess, my world was tumbling and spinning out of control. I lost interest in everything. I have no idea what I was doing and what purpose it serves anymore. If things wasn't bad enough, I had to spend my misery in a foreign place. Without any hope or reprise nor relief.
I couldn't wait for the week to end. To return home, to find some solitude in a place I'm familiar with. To try and pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I did not dare to let my mind wander, cause when it hits, its like my heart is being crushed under a ton of rocks.
Finally when it was time to return, I found myself wondering again. Why was I even returning? What is there left for me back home? I've nothing left to make me want to return. When the plane was circling the airport waiting to land, I had the opportunity to see Singapore from the air. However, I suddenly realised that I do not recognise it any longer. There was nothing in the barrage of lights that I can identify with. Everything is so foreign now, or is it that its my heart that has become foreign.
I had to find things to occupy myself. I cannot control myself much longer, my sanity is going to pieces. With every lapse in my self-control, sadness with seep into my heart. Slowly but surely filling it up to the brim. I'm not sure how much more can my mind take. For the first time in my life, I went to watch a movie by myself. Wanted to watch Lust Caution since last month, but never found the time nor anyone willing to watch with me (though I guess its was a good thing going by the number of explicit scenes). My mind tells me that the show was excellent. The messages and emotions, its was subtle yet powerful (oxymoron I know). However, my heart was not on the show, I found my mind wandering ever so often that I found myself totally distracted.
I really have no idea how much longer I can hold on to my mind and sanity ...
I couldn't wait for the week to end. To return home, to find some solitude in a place I'm familiar with. To try and pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I did not dare to let my mind wander, cause when it hits, its like my heart is being crushed under a ton of rocks.
Finally when it was time to return, I found myself wondering again. Why was I even returning? What is there left for me back home? I've nothing left to make me want to return. When the plane was circling the airport waiting to land, I had the opportunity to see Singapore from the air. However, I suddenly realised that I do not recognise it any longer. There was nothing in the barrage of lights that I can identify with. Everything is so foreign now, or is it that its my heart that has become foreign.
I had to find things to occupy myself. I cannot control myself much longer, my sanity is going to pieces. With every lapse in my self-control, sadness with seep into my heart. Slowly but surely filling it up to the brim. I'm not sure how much more can my mind take. For the first time in my life, I went to watch a movie by myself. Wanted to watch Lust Caution since last month, but never found the time nor anyone willing to watch with me (though I guess its was a good thing going by the number of explicit scenes). My mind tells me that the show was excellent. The messages and emotions, its was subtle yet powerful (oxymoron I know). However, my heart was not on the show, I found my mind wandering ever so often that I found myself totally distracted.
I really have no idea how much longer I can hold on to my mind and sanity ...
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