November 2007 Archives

I hate this world. There's nothing but pain.

You don't have to worry about me bothering you anymore. I will disappear from your life.

Was away for a while. Was sent to Bangkok, Thailand for a workshop for a week. It was the worst week for a long long time since I can remember. My head is in a mess, my world was tumbling and spinning out of control. I lost interest in everything. I have no idea what I was doing and what purpose it serves anymore. If things wasn't bad enough, I had to spend my misery in a foreign place. Without any hope or reprise nor relief.

I couldn't wait for the week to end. To return home, to find some solitude in a place I'm familiar with. To try and pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I did not dare to let my mind wander, cause when it hits, its like my heart is being crushed under a ton of rocks.

Finally when it was time to return, I found myself wondering again. Why was I even returning? What is there left for me back home? I've nothing left to make me want to return. When the plane was circling the airport waiting to land, I had the opportunity to see Singapore from the air. However, I suddenly realised that I do not recognise it any longer. There was nothing in the barrage of lights that I can identify with. Everything is so foreign now, or is it that its my heart that has become foreign.

I had to find things to occupy myself. I cannot control myself much longer, my sanity is going to pieces. With every lapse in my self-control, sadness with seep into my heart. Slowly but surely filling it up to the brim. I'm not sure how much more can my mind take. For the first time in my life, I went to watch a movie by myself. Wanted to watch Lust Caution since last month, but never found the time nor anyone willing to watch with me (though I guess its was a good thing going by the number of explicit scenes). My mind tells me that the show was excellent. The messages and emotions, its was subtle yet powerful (oxymoron I know). However, my heart was not on the show, I found my mind wandering ever so often that I found myself totally distracted.

I really have no idea how much longer I can hold on to my mind and sanity ...

Rainbows have lost their colours, flowers have lost their scent. No longer do I hear the sound of the wind, rustling through the trees; no longer do the tips of my fingers tells me what I've touched. Everything looks gray, the silence around me deafening. Where has the sound of my heartbeat gone, where has the thump of my heart beating disappeared to. The numbness of the emptiness is even more unbearable then the pain. Science tells me that it is the brain that does thinking. It's the brain that allows me to feel emotions. The heart is nothing but a big piece of muscle that delivers blood to the various parts of my body. Then tell me, why is it that it's the heart that feels like life is been squeezed out of you? Why does it feel like a blade has been struck right in the middle and mercilessly twisted?

At the end of all things, what really does matters? We are after all, pieces of meat walking around, a collection of carbon composites. In the end, nothing really matters at all. Earthly pursues, worldly desires, nothing but delusions. Why do we all languish in such pitiful emotions that we cannot understand? Its time to let it all go, why do I even try when each and every time it has brought me nothing but pain and despair. I can only hope that what they say is true.

They say in death, all things become clear. I certainly hope so. Perhaps then, this fool will finally know ...

Every so often, man will ask himself, what is the purpose of his existence? What the hell are we doing here? And every so often, a brilliant mind or philosopher will attempt to justify our existence through various means or methods.

Are we just deluding ourselves? Are we providing reasons for our existence when there is none? Will the world even notice when men is long gone from this desolate planet?

Questions that I cannot answer, I cannot even convince myself why there should even be a me in existence. Its getting too painful to even stay in existence. Just walking around, pursuing meaningless ends in itself, not knowing how minuscule our existence is. Nothing matters whatever that is done or said. After all, nothing matters at all.

p/s: Anyone who is going to try coming to me with all your religious ideas and concept, I suggest you stay away.

I am such a fool. Who did I think I am? Did I think I would actually have mattered? After all, no matter what, I would amount to nothing at all.

I'm weary.